The Scariest Thing

Maybe it's because we have a new baby and the weight of the responsibility of another life always feels heavier when new ones come. Maybe it's because every day I'm faced with my own carnality and the carnality of my children, the proof that we need a Savior. Whatever the reason tonight the scariest thing hit me.

My children will one day choose their own way.

I shudder just to type it out. Right now I choose most of the things in their lives, what they eat, what they watch, what they wear, what they play, what they listen to, how they treat one another. Now of course within the parameters that we have set they have choices, but we are in charge of the parameters. One day though, they will decide Who will have their hearts, and I so desperately want them to choose Papa.

All of the thoughts that would try to plague me are ones not uncommon to any mother: What if I don't do it right or good enough? What if I'm too strict? What if I'm too lenient? And then of course the biggie: What if I don't show them the joy of living in the Love of our Father?

Truly this is so fresh to me that I am teary even typing this out. I could allow all of these things to torture my mind, make me try to control every thing and situation, and even them, but that is not love. I am reminded that it is God's love that draws us to Him, not because He forces us but because He wants us and when we recognize and feel His desire for us, what can we do but surrender? What greater thing is there than being so desired and loved that His own precious life would be sacrificed while we were yet sinners?

So, I could allow these things to torture me, but I won't. Instead, I will pray. For the children and for Jeremy and I. Instead, I will be love to my children. The kind my Papa is to me. The patient, kind, humble, selfless, forgiving, bearing up, rejoicing, believing the best, enduring, never failing kind.

Then the scariest thing won't be so scarey.